is this my sad boy era?

or is this just who I really am?

Hey Sunshine

How have you been? How’s your health and I hope your smile is as beautiful as always, did you notice my last love letter had no pictures of me, I hope I find pictures for this one… anyways today I dont have a problem or a story. I just have me, and I’m learning that should be enough. A couple of days ago I was talking to my friend about how I enjoyed being heart broken because it helped me write better, I was met with the fastest response ever, almost like she had waited a decade to tell me “you need therapy” I wonder if she had always known or if in that moment everything just made sense, if she could finally just tell how broken I was. I wonder if that day my mask dropped and maybe she saw me for the real me, but I paused… I didn’t laugh it off, I said yes I do. A couple weeks ago I would’ve responded with  ‘that’s just who I am’ but couldn’t who you are be worthy of therapy? The thing is you’re a mix of everyone you’ve ever loved, that includes their problems too, I yell like my dad when I’m angry. I never let anyone use my phone because my older brother was a chronic chat reader, and night after night he would pry into everyone’s privacy.. I still wonder what he was looking for, I always found chats between people sacred, I simply could never do that, could never pry, but my brother did and because of that now I could never leave my phone unlocked and till now I could never look into someone else’s phone while they were texting.

I got made fun of a lot as a kid and sometimes I feel like a kid again. I feel like everyone around me is trying to make fun of me. Like there’s some big elaborate joke (that I’m the only person not in on….) Most of my childhood I felt like that, excluded. I never really fit in with my brothers and I had one sister…so I read a lot of novels maybe that’s why I enjoy writing so much, but can you see how I picked up everything from everyone? good bad and ugly.

I didn’t know I liked music till last year, we weren’t allowed to watch tv in my home, we didn’t own a decoder till I was around 14…. Not because we couldn’t afford it but because my dad thought it was a distraction… and in all my earlier years it was only my brother who listened to music, so by the time I had started listening to it, my brother would call me a copy cat if I remotely liked anything he did, so I never listened. Actually I forged an entirely new path for myself, in everything. He was the ideal child, Ideal boy child at least that’s how I always saw him. He was good in maths, and watched football, he knew how to turn on our old fat monitor when it was acting up, and because I was too scared to be a copy cat I became everything he was not and sometimes I still wonder, wonder if I would have been a good attacker or defender, if I would have been a good mechanical engineer… what or who I would’ve been, is that not crazy ? One little thing could’ve changed your life entirely, I hope you discover yourself for you.

I guess I didn’t find pictures to put up today, maybe next time my love?