letters I never sent

I’m sorry it took so long my Tobaby.

The first time I got my heart broken, I was 17.

I crawled into my bed, hands touching my elbows, body arched, waist extended—a perfect crescent moon. Bent, almost like I was trying to protect my heart. Crazy, because I don’t think I had a heart—not at that time. The person I loved took everything. I was 17.

In the middle of 2022, 42 universities would go on a nationwide strike in Nigeria, leaving me with no option but to find more, to do better. I’d begin to get better… I’d shift and form and redefine myself. I’d become an “influencer.” Later that year, I’d believe I had ‘made it’ and go with my friend to an influencer event. I’d borrow my uncle’s shoes and stuff them with tissue paper, iron my friend’s shirt, and wear my one black trouser that I always wore. I looked cheap, and it showed, so that night I’d cry. I was the worst-dressed, and no one would look at me or speak to me. That day, my life would change... that day, I would change my life.

In the middle of 2024, I’d lay on my friend’s bed, crying my eyes out because I was tired. Tired of living, tired of hurting, tired of being. That night, I swore I wouldn’t make it past June, by hook or by crook. That night, I knew I wanted to leave—not Lagos. I wanted to leave the world.

I think I found myself in crumpled papers. I think I found myself on a random Tuesday in the middle of March. I think because I never learned to love myself, I became oddly good at expressing myself. Somewhere in between all the self-hate that I called self-awareness, I think I found myself. I think I was meant to be a wallflower.

Wallflower (noun)
A shy person, who is frightened to involve himself in social activities and does not attract much interest or attention.

I think the good thing about life is that nothing exists and everything exists, simultaneously, at the same time. I’m only a wallflower if I allow it—or a Kadupul, if I choose to become it.

Kadupul
A flower. One of the most expensive flowers in the world: it is completely priceless. No amount of money could ever buy this flower. It is so rare and so frail that it lives for only a few hours and then dies.

I think, as people, our real strength is the fact that we are reality. No one has the ability to change the world but you. Your super power is the fact that you can literally change the world. You make up the universe; the only person who can change it is you. You literally can bend reality—so do it.

My friend found me a day after my first heartbreak. I was curled up in bed; I didn’t realize night had become day. I didn’t realize I hadn’t eaten, nor slept, nor had a bath. I’m not sure what gave it away. I’m not sure what made her realize, but she bought me pepper soup and made jokes while I laid in bed. Nothing was funny, but she was there, and that was all I needed, in that moment I didn’t need funny, I needed friendship and the girl with the gun tattoo saved me.

My friend found me in the café outside the influencer event, while I had tears in my eyes. She acted like she didn’t see them and laughed and spoke to me when no one else did. She gave me her invite in front of everyone. “I think you forgot your invite inside,” she said. It was a lie. The brand didn’t invite me. With the way they acted, I’m not sure they even wanted me there. She saved me in a way no one else could. So, to the girl who always teased me that her name ended with one s, I will always love you.

When I cried all night in June, the friend I’ve known since i was nine stayed on the bed with me. Absolutely crazy because she hates physical touch. But that didn’t matter, because her Tobebe was having the worst day in the world and was crying. She saw me. To my sweet T—for always seeing me, for always loving me—thank you, my baby.

I think our friends save us in more ways than we can imagine, in more ways than we even realize. I think they hold us in their arms, and we hold them in ours. Friendships are so… peculiar, so distinct, so freeing. And I think that’s amazing. It’s amazing that I get to be myself around these people—my own little family, my own little life.

So, cheers to good friends. May we know them, may we see them, and may we become them.

I know it takes audacity to love and even more audacity to become, but maybe you give it a shot. Take a bet on yourself. Tell your friends you love them—this time, not as a joke. Mean it.

My love, my beautiful Tobaby, I missed you so much, and with every day that passed, I thought about you, I thought about how the weather was were you where or if it was a full moon, if you had a good day or if it was one of those days, I’m sorry I’ve been away. I have to write this really hard exam, but I’ve also learnt that sometimes you need to be away, sometimes you need to sacrifice what you love to get what you want. Also while we were away I think I fell in love, I can’t wait to tell you all about it.

Me at 18 fresh out of the heartbreak acting like I no wan crase but before I forget my love, how is your day going jooor