Is this self love or am I just really stupid ?

A long not so emotional love letter.

‘Noodles first, then seasoning, your pepper and onions next and your eggs by the side - so it comes to a boil, don’t mix it because you don’t like it mixed and make sure you cover it so the eggs can cook’

Most times I’d change the arrangement, sometimes I’ll pour in my spice first, be too tired to cut onions but the egg always comes in last - by the side, just like mother taught me.

My love, did you miss me ? I thought about you while I was away, and everytime I did, I read your comments, I really like this little thing we do where we write letters to each other, telling each other these little insignificant things in our lives, in a way it saves me, reminds me that I’m not just ‘loveable’ but that I am infact loved……. and by you and that makes it even better. I hope you feel the same when you read my letters too, that I genuinely love you - and I don’t mean it as a joke……. I would always be there for you, and would hug you the tightest when we eventually get to see - I love you so much.

The first valentine gift I ever gave was to the light skinned girl that sat across me, her name was ‘Aminah’ and I still remember her smile, I was in primary 4 or was it primary 5, the thing about the brain is that the more information it comes in contact with it has a way of forgetting the others. Aminah was beautiful and after break somewhere around 2:30 when the sun fell through the windows and divided the class Aminah’s eyes turned brown, her pinafore was mostly always ironed and she always did her hair into 11 cornrows, never 10, never 12, always 11. When Aminah smiled she covered her teeth almost in a way that it felt like she didn’t like it very much - almost in a way that it showed that at 9 no one had ever called her beautiful, Aminah was easily one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen, but I didn’t like Aminah at least not very much nor very romantic either.

My brother was three years older and had longer hair, a skinny build and awfully pink lips - and if you know what it means by Nigerian standard it meant he was ‘gaddamn attractive’, he also knew how to sing, dance and draw, anyways this isn’t about that big head, but the boy I called my brother was society’s definition of cool and even though I was the opposite of everything he was - I thought if maybe I could just act more like him - if maybe I could just add more grease to my hair, talk about odd things like gravity or Micheal Jackson, tighten the ends of my pants and wear gaddam awful colors of these pants that maybe I could be ‘cool’.

The first valentine gift I ever got was a plastic rose in a glass dome, and now that I describe it, it sounds nice - amazing even but it wasn’t really. It costs 600 naira and it looked like it. It was years ago so maybe 600 naira was infact something but I remember the look on my mother’s face when Dili asked for money for his valentine, when I asked too……I think in that moment she saw that the sons she gave birth to had somehow…. Grown, I think it was them I saw my mother for the first time, she was just as young as me, excited to be a mother, a mother of little boys who wanted to surprise girls at school…..I’m not sure what gave it away the shimmer in her eyes or the speed, she opened that brown ugly table in her shop and brought out most of the money there before bringing out 6000 naira for my brother and I- her sons were ……….men?

‘Poached eggs, they’re called poached eggs’ she said it in such a manner that she didn’t intend to mock me in such a manner that she wanted me to know that she loved me. ‘They’re called poached eggs’ I had never known the name before that, I always thought it was my mother’s secret recipe, but I was explaining it to the friend that’s now my oldest friend and apparently it had a name, I think my mother just never told me because she enjoyed it being our little thing. Poached eggs with pepper on top - I still make my noodles with them, it tastes like home, like my mother, like who I’m meant to be, it reminds me that I’m loved, not in a way that I cannot phantom, not in a way that I long to be loved, it’s very real, it’s very here it’s very right now . ‘ Poached eggs’

I didn’t like Aminah very much but I gave her my oval shaped dome, why?

I’m still not sure, Aminah wasn’t very liked… she often ate in silence, she didn’t play a lot, she didn’t have a lot of friends to be honest, which explained why her pinafore mostly looked so ironed. When it was 2:30 her eyes always looked glassy like she was always crying, and I knew what it felt like to not be seen, to always be in the shadows. I did buy the flower for my crush but when lunch break went by and my crush wouldn’t look at me twice I couldn’t go back home with my glass dome, I couldn’t break my mothers heart like that, I decided to go to the corner of the school and throw it away…. It was going to be my little secret, but before I got to the little square that they nick named ‘Derek’s square’ after my brother and his best friend I saw Aminah. If I ever had to describe magic, I’d describe that moment, I felt compelled, almost like everything didn’t work out so I could get to that moment, me Aminah and my oval shaped glass ball.

I didn’t get flowers today, and that’s okay.

Actually between you and I, I blocked the person I thought would be my valentine two days ago, I think the more days I spend living, I’m learning what I want - I’ve always known what I don’t want; half love, kinda maybe love, sometimes love. So I don’t know if it’s self love, I don’t know if it’s because I know I deserve better, I don’t want someone that wants to spend just valentines with me or loves me only on Thursdays, I want to feel, I like to feel. Love should feel good, not feel forced. And I think I’m learning that, I think learning to choose myself, to love myself.

To be loved is to be seen. So why do I not see myself ? Am I not deserving of being seen too? I’m all the love in my heart, I’m enough, at least I like to think so. I didn’t get flowers because I want to give myself a garden. I think it’s important to grow our gardens first so we realize it’s not just flowers we need, it’s air, it’s peace, it’s kindness. I love love but I love me even more - a week ago I couldn’t say this, not easily at least but look at me now.

Look at you, you’re deserving to be loved in full capacity, you’re deserving to be swoon off your feet, you’re deserving of everything, ‘safe love, kind love, the type of love that feels like home’ someone that feels safe and I hope you always remember that, I also hope you remember to love yourself first and always.

Tomorrow maybe I’ll buy the over priced roses on Adeola Odeku, maybe I’m just really stupid and scared. I guess we’d never know my love. I miss you, and can’t wait to talk to you soon my Tobaby 💘

By the way I still make my eggs like mummy taught me - eggs last and by the side too, how stupid of me to think true love is hard to find when I’m surrounded by it.

I spent my day at the boat club and in traffic - trying to read before I forget happy valentine and how is your day going joor my baby ?