If I had seven lives

Another love letter.

Before you start reading, can I ask a Favour, please play ‘the night we met’ by lord Huron, let it play whilst you read this love letter, that was what I listened to when I wrote to you, I’d love for us to feel connected 💘

If I had seven lives,

In the first life I’d die. I’d die so I could leave first, I’d die so I can hold death by the balls. To ask the most unphatomable questions, I’d die first because I’m tired of grieving, grieving people, grieving love, grieving life. In my first life I wouldn’t do much living I’d live to die. To understand where everyone goes, to understand the process, I’d die quick and fast so I’d know better.

In my second life, I’ll have three best friends, they’d be the three friends I grew up with. In this life I would never leave Benin. At 24 I’d move into the little guest house my parents owned, I’d tell myself it’s just for the year. By the fourth year I’d gather most of my money to renovate it. I’d go on to leave there for 14 more years. I wouldn’t study law, I’d do something more eccentric, more me, journalism. I’d pursue little stories about armed robbers that never wore a mask but did so much voodoo that you could not see them when they robbed you, I’d give them a name ‘dare devils’. I’d be famous in my little town for being an activist, an advocate against petty offenses and armed robbery. I’d die with all my potential, but that will be okay because in that life I lived, and I loved.

In my third life I’d dedicate my youth to looking good, all the body dysmorohia would not break me this time, all the snide comments and laughs, the folds on my abdomen would not ruin me, this time it will save me. In my third life when I look in the mirror I’d have the audacity to call myself beautiful. In this life my mother would be rich and she’d send me to school in Paris. I’d study art and design so I can end up as one of the really rich kids who frequented la and Paris, never Lagos, it never felt like home. When I’m craving home I’d go to Brazil or somewhere more tropical. In this life home would be me, I’d be a sourjorner and when I turn 32, I’d cut everyone off. Everyone who was really just a bunch of young rich people who didn’t know that they didn’t know what they wanted. I’d stumble on a leaflet about taking a solo trip, and I would. I would go from the Himalayan mountains to India to Japan. By 40 I’d become a philosopher but I wouldn’t find love. In this life I’d live but maybe not for me.

In my fourth life I’d spend it in solitude. At the beginning, I’d be a mute child, then go on to become a therapist. I’d live, I’d love and I’d learn. All the trauma would eventually pay off.

In my fifth life, oh I’d live! I’d start off exactly how I should, in Benin. I’d become famous, from influencer to pop star. I’d be on vogue by 24, I’d wake up in a different time zone every month. The first time I’ll seat on the cover of vogue it would be with tyla and Rihanna. The cover would say black skin changing the world. In this life i’d write my book, I’d write about my life and falling in love. I’d try drugs at a New York high rise apartment, I’d break down and never do it again. Do fashion week in Milan and detox in Thailand, only to repeat this process again. In this life I’d vacation every December and April, and August and anytime I feel like. I’d be close to God too. In this life I’d be successful but I wouldn’t care because I’d be happy, my anxiety wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t feel bad about eating a big fat burger. In my fifth life I wouldn’t be angry at the world. I’d make peace with what is and what was, I’d live big and fancy wearing only channel and loro piana. I would have an averse to Rolex, they’d look too cheap to me, maybe in this life I wouldn’t even wear watches, I wouldn’t need to, time would be a construct, I’d go to therapy four times a week and save everyone. I’d save my child hood friends who I imagine are not happy enough, I’d be best friends with the girl who no one talked to in uni. She’d have the kindest heart and would come with me for my third met gala, she had always loved art, it was only right to take her.

In my 6th life I’d die again, only to remember that life is worth living but so is death, I’d die out of lack of will to live, I’d feel exhausted, what good is life if you cannot die? The value of anything is depending on its ability to end. If it exists in perpetuity then maybe it never truly exists. In my 6th life I’d want to live, live a life of adventure, In this life I’d be abnormally generous, I’d feed all the stray dogs that lived on my street where my tiny house was. I’d give most of my money to anyone and everyone not because I’d have a lot of it but because in this life I wouldn’t live long. I would live to experience the ending fully.

In my last life.

In my last life I want to be clueless, I want to be me, to be kind not in the way others expect of me. I’d be kind for myself and to myself. In this life I hope I’m simultaneously my mothers father and my fathers father because as much as I needed love and protection. I’ve realized they needed it more. They too were once kids, my mother is simply someone’s daughter, she doesn’t have all the answers in her head, and my dad ? a shy little boy, the most beautiful boy ever, someone’s beautiful boy. In this life I’d work my hardest go far and wide, before and beyond for them, to protect them, to love them. In this world I hope the only thing that exists is kindness, no judgement, no religion, no anger, just kindness and love. In this world I hope I live forever to take care of them, to take care of everyone.

My Tobaby, my love what about you? What if you had 7 lives? What do you think it would be like?