DEAR DIARY

does it get better? genuinely?

I’m tired. That’s it.

I’m so tired, i wish I could send a voice note right now so I use the last drop of energy in me to scream, to yell and maybe fall to my knees, probably in tears not tears of sadness just tiredness… ok maybe some sadness too.

I don’t know what to say today, there’s no structure, no moral lesson no way to make this news letter, no love letter feel poetic, feel like literature, I just want to scream, I just want to write to you, can this be a journal entry?

Dear Diary,

Hi. Where did I go wrong? Why do I suddenly feel like Jesus holding the weight of the world.. I have no answers. No answers to why I feel so damn sad and depressed, maybe I need to sleep it’s been what? 3 weeks since I slept well, technically since I actually slept without telling myself I had to do something to do.

I went from my second movie set of the year to another, almost immediately and from there on to another set and do you know what’s crazy all the acting I’ve done in these movies don’t compare to how I’ve had to act so happy and ok these past few days….

I recently started law school and between you and I I didn’t want to go. I had no intention of going but because I keep listening to everything and everyone I went, I didn’t listen to myself and to be honest a huge part of me wanted to go to law school, a huge part of me also wanted to stay at home and do nothing and to be honest at the end of the day I’m the master of my own destiny and I decide, right? I should decide. so why does it feel like I keep making wrong decisions ? Is this what it means to be an adult or is this just what it means to be young and finding yourself? I’m so lost, so confused

Oh shit this isn’t my actual journal… you’re actually reading this.

I don’t know what to say, I wish they taught us how to be ourselves, how to know what we want, how to be what we want, I think most times I’m just following the crowd.. I don’t know if I enjoy acting or if I’m just doing it because I think that’s what’s next, I’ve stopped fake laughing, stopped fake smiling, I’ve been perhaps so dormant, nothing necessarily makes me happy and when I am it’s brief…..is this who I am? Have I always been sad and just constantly masked it.

I don’t eat as well or I over eat, I haven’t gone to the gym in a month cause I no longer want to look at myself in the mirror too long, I’ve only started reading my books for law school even though it’s fourth week in law school.

I haven’t written to you in so long, maybe this is what growing older is, maybe I’m just having a really hard time, maybe I’m just finding myself, I wish everything wasn’t a maybe. I wish something was solid, real. Better

Dear diary,  does it get better?